Little bits of joy

             

             Some of you have followed our journey through the past 5 years.  You've read about the craziness, frustrations, sadness, and dreams of our family.   Some know how i went through depression. After two years into our new life in Tonga I was empty of joy or purpose and almost walked out on my husband to return to the US.  Nothingness gnawed at me, occasionally expressing itself through deep sadness and anger.  I felt God had either abandoned me or been a figment of imagination.  People said we were missionaries to Tonga, i'm not sure if thats the right description.  We were just a family trying to do what God told us to do, to live in Tonga among the people and not ask anyone for anything.  We wanted our faith challenged, to know for sure we were on a solid foundation.  So how could i be sinking?  Through the haze i saw my husband struggling to pull me through without sinking himself, he was torn, trying to obey God while watching me fall deeper into depression because of it.  The strange thing is- it felt somewhat familiar.  This emptiness, i recognized it, growing up it was disguised and easily distracted but it still haunted me.  Although i loved my husband and kids, marriage and children seemed to amplify it, but i hid it well.  Occasionally, my husband would ask why i was never happy and often negative.

Normally passive and mild mannered i was shocked at what was pouring out from inside me while in Tonga.  I was used to feeling nothing and yet here was anger pouring out like vomit.  I didn't grow up swearing or hearing many swears so it wasn't natural for me, but i unleashed f-bombs in fits of anger.  "I f****ing hate this!!" I would scream while throwing things.  And to be honest we were under a lot of stress, food and money was inconsistent and we would go days with only eating a small bowl of rice or noodles every night.  We learned to live without western comforts like running water and indoor plumbing.  It was hot, dirty, buggy, and daily chores were time consuming and exhausting after biking the kids on our 3 wheel bicycles.  There was emotional stress too as the surrounding community would randomly erupt with violent outbursts, prisoners escape, houses frequently burglarized. We had to be always alert and slept with a machete.

But this stress was necessary, it was the catalyst to reveal things hidden deep inside of me.  I saw who i really was and it wasn't pretty.  My goodness only worked up to a certain point, my love was incomplete.  I needed something outside of myself, someone bigger than me. I needed Jesus!

And Jesus has changed me, not overnight, not with lightning and thunder, but slowly and at times painfully as I am slowly learning to put to death my way of thinking and subsequent actions. Little steps of obedience.  It is odd.  i lived each day before expecting the day to please me.  I wanted the humans and circumstances that surrounded me to make me happy.  I wasn't.  It's exhausting and always disappointing to burden others with this uninvited obligation.  Now, I try (more and more) to live each day with the goal of making God look great and I feel free!  Free to truly love without expectations. What a relief!  It's not about me! It's about God. He is the treasure. And i'm starting to feel little bits of joy.  I have felt God's presence and it frees me to go anywhere He leads, regardless of surroundings.

But there is a cost.  The ugly things revealed in my first 2 years of Tonga had to die.  Sometimes i hold on to them.  I want to feed them.  But they never brought happiness.  They can't. Not in the long run.  Somehow i still love everything i hate. and bit by bit they must removed.  Not my will God, but Yours.

Even Jesus had to submit to God's will.  He had to die for us and he didn't want to. He begged God for another way.  The thought of it caused him so much pain.  But He still obeyed, "We must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith. He saw the joy ahead of him, so he endured death on the cross and ignored the disgrace it brought him. Now he holds the honored position—the one next to God the Father on the heavenly throne." -Hebrews 12:2

I love so many people in Tonga.  I love, love, love the amazing, talented, and funny kids on our land.  I miss them.  And yet, in contrast from my husband and firstborn, i really struggle with going back. I get a pit in my stomach when i think about it.  I want to stay where family is.  I struggle with living on an island, i get island fever. claustrophobic. I have a hard time with the culture. I don't like beaches and instead crave evergreens and mountains. Seriously?  What's up with that!  I'm scared to go back and slip away from what I've learned.  

God defines good and is patient with me, i'm not all the way there.  But I am excited we have a new direction when we go back the end of September.  We have land!!! If you've followed us you know this has been our biggest prayer and desire!  Boom!  God answered!  Chris is working hard in the US now to save up money to build us a new house on our land.  Along with two other amazing couples, if God allows, we will be starting several projects for the youth.  Skateboarding will be there along with bmx and an obstacle course.  We want to build a restaurant,back packers lodging, outdoor movie theater, and water slides to provide income for ourselves, create fair pay jobs, and to fund youth projects.  We want to bring in volunteers to teach skills like creative building with local materials, Tongan dance, and handicraft and workshops that provide opportunities to learn photography, videography, business management, or anything!  Even build a traditional Tongan village from hundreds of years ago!  

This all is overwhelming to me.  We don't have the funding for all this but Chris is creative at using local materials to build beautiful things.  We will start with building our house and moving the skate park.   Probably back packers, restaurant, and obstacle course next.  I don't know how it will all play out.  But i do know something needs to be done for the youth in Tonga.  They are the next generation and make up about 50% (from the 2011 consensus ages 0-24) of the population.  In the 5 short/feels long years i have been in Tonga I have witnessed the Kingdom of Tonga changing.  Crimes are more frequent, alcohol induced fighting, Seminary and government schools brawling in the streets, drugs are hidden everywhere with connections to nobles.  More deportees are brought back with no rehabilitation to Tongan society or means of creating income without resorting to hustling.  Programs for the youth are usually focused on the privileged or fail because of poor management or authorities trying to squeeze out a profit.  Most youth attend church but when words and actions do not line up they are quickly becoming disenchanted. The need is great.

As our adventures continue this October we want to thank all of you who have given.  You have given above and beyond at times at just the right time and our family is extremely thankful.  We thank you for your prayers and encouraging words, we think of you, some we have met and some we haven't, and we have courage to persevere.

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:37-39

New land

New Land  

 
 
 
 


 

life between two worlds

                                               Hi there this is Chris , Ashleys husband .

 i am not a writer and i won't pretend to be one in this post . i have never written a blog post but i feel as though i should let some stuff out .   I will call this a life between two worlds as this is how i feel .
Every time i leave the US to come to Tonga or from Tonga to the US , there is a great battle in me , that can last a few days ,to a few months . i feel as though i can't move forward in anything that is pressing on my heart . when i come to Tonga i give up my rights to a life in the US , a house ,family ,friends and so on . when i am state side i work as much as possible to try and save to head back to Tonga , to our stick house in the bush , but when i am in NH -MA i fall in love with the amazing people that are there . so i become torn .  i  am very much attracted to the good life  that the US can offer me . when its time to say good bye  again . i mostly cant wait to return to the people that i was called to . Back to Tonga . my love for our friends and family in Tonga is very strong , so strong that i can't stay away . but i know its Christ that gives me that type of love .

Every time i return my house and some important things get destroyed or blow away in the wind . So i wipe my eyes , pick up my tools and rebuild . this has created a fear in me that has held me back . i know its silly .. but i get tired of leave the place i was called to , to go to a place where i cant move forward just to be waiting to get back to the place that i will have to rebuild . .

so for the past few years we have been waiting and looking for land to build a camp . Thinking i needed the land to even try to step forward .   2 weeks ago we looked out the front of our bush house and saw we had everything we needed to start this camp . we have a massive cement slab , the second my eyes where open to this , i found so much joy .  its like the spirit opened my eyes to see . so this up coming week i will take the money we raised for the warehouse and start getting wood to build Tonga's very first skateboard park . . it will have to be a closed park . which means we cant just let the whole Island come at once or when ever they want . the land we have our house on is a gift to us that we do not want to take advantage of . so please pray that land will present it self to us so we can grow and when i say grow i mean it . this Island and its youth are starving for new things  like skateboarding  . and also will help the deportees in so many ways . the money we are raising now will help build the ramps and the paint to protect them .

We are so happy to see these thing come in to play and we are looking forward to see them unfold .
 so please keep us in your prayers . that we won't give up or give in

One hope One life One love

About that time we were away from Tonga sooo long

Tonga, here we come!  What began as a 6 month trip back home to the US has turned into over 9 months away.  I'm afraid our Tongan will be rusty and our feet will be to soft!  But also glad to miss the worst of the summer heat, humidity, and cyclones.

Our visit back has been filled with weddings, funerals, mountains, new church gathering, Costa Rica dental work, and snow!!  The mess of emotions has begun as Chris and I consider the work and living adjustments waiting for us in Tonga, the family and friends who have become so close and given so much love here in the US, and the excitement of seeing all of our friends in Tonga.  We are also super duper excited this time around because God has brought us into a great church gathering these past few months who have encouraged us and will be supporting us with prayers.  This year in Tonga we look forward to the kids starting school at ACTS after 3 years of waiting and looking for land for a skate park and community activities.  It seems the warehouse we had put a deposit on will be needed for the Pacific Games in 2019 so we will be channeling all the funds we raised for the warehouse and tools into getting land and we will be free from the burden of a monthly lease.

Samuel Hafoka

We did some hiking in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, this particular hike was amazing and the longest climb I've ever done.  Once you get up to the ridge you walk for hours in the sky completely distracted by the endless views of mountains and valleys.  The climb and the descent get me.  Short legs combined with mild exercise induced asthma brings out the whiner in me (notice i said "whiner" not "winner). Feet get blisters, legs burn at first then seem go numb on the way down, while a layer of dirt and sweat slowly builds on my skin. On the way up I question why I'm doing this, and on the way down I wish it was over already.  I promise myself every time to never do it again and then memories of blue mountain tops lure me back in.  

I guess our calling to Tonga is someways similar.  Some days we wonder why, when it feels like we're just surviving in the tall grass, plastering a wall, or doing dishes in the rain when we could be building our careers in America.  Our plastic roof was ripped open and the few things we had left in the house were stolen.  So on our return we will be staying in a tent while Chris works to fix our roof.  It will be difficult, frustrating, the convenience of indoor plumbing and ease of being unaffected by the elements will be a distant but sharp memory.  But when I ask myself why?  Why do this time after time returning with just a few bags and a lacking bank account?  One of the reasons is: you.  We do it for all of you.  All of you who have sent messages of encouragement and stories of faith renewed.  The friends who have decided to take bolder risks for Jesus because of our story.  The friends who have become disenchanted with the American dream and looking for materialism to bring happiness.  Our dear families and close friends who support us and love us deeply as we do them.  And our friends in Tonga whom God has asked us to walk beside in this adventure.  So when we are digging the stubborn thick dirt, stuffing a leaky roof with clothes, shivering in the cold shower, or fighting off fire ants coming through the floor, we are strengthened knowing these trials are producing courage, endurance, and hopefully, faith in Jesus.  Reminds me of Paul in the Bible,

       "And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters,[a] that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. 13 For everyone here, including the whole palace guard,[b] knows that I am in chains because of Christ. 14 And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers[c] here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message[d] without fear."

Chris and I (and definitely our kids!) are not doing everything right, we make a lot of mistakes, we at times doubt God or his existence, feel numb, give bad advice, are stubborn, struggle with anxiety, and argue.  If you're looking for imperfection you've come to the right place!  But what i love about following Jesus is He can take these imperfections and make something beautiful.  Our following Jesus has been at times painful but I am beginning to see it was purging me so what remains can be a foundation to build something better.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." -The Bible- Romans 5:3

So don't give up and thanks to all of you have prayed and supported us.

Millipede

           The cool season is beginning and with it comes the millipedes.  One of the advantages of having a semi-bush house is the constant flow of critters.  The millipedes are harmless (though some say if one falls into your drink you could be poisoned and die) but annoying.  At night I start sweeping at one end of the house and when i'm finished i have big mound of curled up millipedes and more have already slithered back to where i started.  They crunch beneath my feet as i walk barefoot around the house, but are preferable to the occasional big slug that squishes between my toes.   Frustrating, but just apart of life.   Dishes are done everyday but the sink (I love having a sink! so grateful to not be squatting in the mud!) always is refilled with dirty ones.  Hours are spent doing laundry (also love having a washing machine now!) just to have the laundry basket refilled in a day or two - especially in the bush.   Love, time, patience, money, etc. are all given out just to be needed again and again and again.

            Mind numbing at times and I catch myself becoming hardened and unfeeling towards others.  New people are constantly introduced into our lives along with old friends and I struggle with wanting to be selfish and keep everything good for myself.   So grateful for the grace and mercy God gives to us everyday.  The battle is always there; to wake up and see the world as God does instead of the way I want to.  To not get hardened against endless requests and to love and forgive those who constantly are offending.  To eat what is put before me with thankfulness, knowing it may cause stomach problems later.  To spend time with people when all i want to do is chill out with a good movie.

     
 Patience is key in Tonga and although our prospects of obtaining land for One Love inc.(our non-profit geared towards helping youth and deportees)  seems unlikely,  we are looking forward the possibility of leasing a huge warehouse to accommodate the tools for the  wood and mechanic workshop, skateboarding, and Wing Chun.  The cost to lease it for a year would be about $4,800 USD which $1,300 USD would be needed before we leave to secure it for the months we will be gone.  Having a place in Tonga to keep the tools we have in storage in the US is extremely important. Without it, it is useless for us to ship over tools and then have them stolen or ruined because of the being improperly stored.  We are getting prices on the costs of shipping over a container from Boston to Tonga so we can figure out the total cost of shipping plus the duty and fees when they arrive here.  This will help us get our projects to train the youth and deportees up and running.  We would love your help, support, and prayers in this area.

           Meanwhile, we have started our first informal church meeting with our friend Nguae and his family!  Although we all don't know the same worship songs and some translating is involved it's great to sit together on mats singing and encouraging each other through Scriptures.  I'm excited to see what God does in the coming weeks!