I'm not going to sugarcoat this.
This is not for the people who are merely curious on life in the South Pacific, or interested in seeing Americans roughing it in Tonga.
Check my other posts out...they are more informative in that area. This one is a bit more emotionally driven.
This is ME is pouring out my difficulties and struggles to the genuine few who have asked through the year and a half how we're doing, how i'm doing and have offered up your prayers, thoughts, and financial support to our family.
ahhhhh! let me just get this off my chest! I don't like for people to see me this way. I don't think people like the idea of a fairly emotionless, christian, missionary girl being an emotional wreck. I know i'm not comfortable letting this all out. I'd prefer to keep my emotions all tucked away nicely and neatly and throw on a brave, awkward smile.
You see, i didn't know what to expect when we packed up and moved out here with $2,000 US and zero financial support at the time. It was exciting and courageous feeling at first. I thought I was a stronger person. I'm married to a man with outstanding faith. He trusts in GOD with all his heart, soul, and strength. He inspires me. My mistake was and is to hope this will carry me. This isn't about my husband dragging me into hardships. I went willingly. This is about what these hardships revealed in me.
I found i'm weak, exhausted, and emotionally spent.
The first few months were fine. The newness of it all was fresh and kept me motivated. Within about 6 months i moved into a state of bitterness, anger, and depression. But we made do, Chris spent that first year sharing the gospel with everyone. And we have seen the fruit of living this unique lifestyle we have been called to.
But like i said. I found how weak and wobbly my faith is. My bitterness has been damaging to our family. I'm seeing the toll it is putting on everyone. Not to say their hasn't been great moments of joy, but theirs also been anger towards God and tears during worship songs.
Currently, I've moved past the bitterness, coldness, anger stage and am now an emotional, teary-eyed, physically exhausted ,disaster of a missionary. The stress has started to effect me psychically and everyone has been picking up the slack with chores and clean up because I've become almost incapable of handling daily chores and sibling feuds. My husband takes these burdens on him and they weigh on him. I hate to see him juggling between doing what God has told him to do and caring for the emotional and spiritual well-being of his wife. But he does and he's doing a great job. I find it hard to believe you could find a man more committed to his GOD and his wife and kids.
But i need to unload it somewhere else. So here it is.
I need a break! I'm extremely human right now. Living for this past year and a half on a hundred dollars hear and there, the strain of living with little encouragement, seeing my husband take so much undeserved crap from other people, the difficulty of the most basic things in life, being so alone, being hungry, no running water, not having access to good clean water, living in unsanitary conditions, now living in an unfinished house with holes and the company of massive spiders, 9 inch centipedes, 3 inch cockroaches, and a floor swarming with ants, dealing with a son who is extremely hard to discipline, hyper, intense and trying to home school 3 unmotivated kids with some days no paper or pencils, feeling trapped on a tiny island. Our goal is to reach 2 years before we come back and visit, which would be the beginning of May. I still feel that is the right timing. But there is no plane ticket back. It is hard to feel relieved that our two year mark is not to far away, when there is no way back. Every day i wake up with a pit in my stomach, a headache, nausea, sadness, and fight back constant tears. Please pray for me. I need this break. I'm hanging on by a thread. I know I love God and theoretically know He will do something good in me from this. Because somehow God is using us still despite me. I had a dream i returned April 26, so i looked up the plane tickets around that date and they actually are a good deal. Around $4,200 for our family. I hate the part about the money. I'm not telling you my sob story so now you feel bad and give me money. There are plenty of better sob stories out there. I'm saying this so the people who love us and what to know what's going on can get a glimpse and pray for us.