September

This past month has been such an encouragement to Chris and I.  Chris' brother Jonny made a great mini documentary explaining our life and how we lived in Tonga.  It has been up on YouTube and the responses have been so amazing.  It is humbling.  It is humbling when you see yourself and know your faults and mistakes and yet GOD still uses you.

I feel i keep hammering this same point. But i can't get over it and keep being confronted with it.  Being brought to a place where we see ourselves for who we really are is essential.  Knowing the darkness we are capable of is important.  When we are confronted with the evil within us we are then eventually able to have compassion on others who do evil things.  But what is also amazing is that GOD takes us even in our failures and can use us wildly when we are willing and take steps of faith.  We have been brought to tears from encouraging emails or texts from people who have seen the documentary and all i keep thinking is, "why?  I messed up so bad, i was so angry at God, i wanted to quit. How is God doing this?"  And yet it's confirming for me to see how God works in real life.  He uses real people in there very real messes and failures.  We have to be willing, we have to take that step of faith.  It will be painful as some things are being stripped away but when goodness shines through you know and the world knows it's not you doing this but the beauty of the the grace of God.


I am well aware i may need to be reminded of this in the following months as we plan on leaving for Tonga soon.  We have almost all of our ticket money and as soon as we do we will have a date of departure.  We have some uncertainty of where to live and our kids are getting to heavy to be carried on bicycles so their are many things to pray about.  We hope to spend this next year focusing on our non-profit One Love Inc. and getting land to get it going.  Of course there are many needs (isn't there always?) pray we can trust God's faithfulness and be reminded of how He answered in the past.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWvfQhadoMw

2 months in the US after being 2 years in Tonga

2 months in the US after being 2 years in Tonga.  Culture shock was really interesting those first few weeks back.  It’s amazing how quickly we acclimate to our surroundings though.  But there is something astounding about that first encounter with hot water on tap or in the shower.  The excitement in the ordinary.  My girls did their laundry in our hotel in the bathtub!  I walked in to find they had stomped on their dirty clothes and then hung them up to dry all over the bathroom!  My son Indy had to ask me how to turn on a kitchen faucet and you should have heard them exclaiming about how much food is in kitchen cabinets!  The washing machine is still pretty cool to me.  Six year old Alei looked outside at the dark clouds and said, “mom, not a good day to do laundry”!  I was happy to tell her that didn’t matter!

Oh the things we take for granted here.  There is so much here in the US.  Soo much.  More than enough. Living with people who have so little has opened my eyes to this.  I know everyone and everything is telling us we need more or don’t have the right tools or gadget.  But it’s so not true.  It’s so easy to start believing it to!  But i’ve seen and experienced living with much less and i can tell you that you don’t need alot!  So get rid of stuff!  Share the nicest things you have (and not just from your excess)!  And it’s not just materialism.  Spend hours with someone you think is weird!  Make eye contact with people.  Stop trying to push your agenda and just listen.

That being said it’s really hard to do all this on our own strength.  I tried in Tonga.  I really wanted to be that awesome missionary wife showering blessings on everyone in my path.   And i failed miserably.  Those poor souls that had to live with me or came in contact with me (like my family!).  Love is what makes the difference.  I see how love motivates everything my husband Chris does.  He has the same misgivings as me and shares the same frustrations, anxiety, and struggles.  But he is motivated by love for God and the people God has called him to.  So it doesn’t really matter what he faces.   He sees every trial as an opportunity for something positive and way to minister to others.  I am praying God gives me this same desire.  It’s not there yet, not even close.  I still feel that ache in my chest thinking about going back to it all.  So much of me does not want to go back into the struggle.  I’m so afraid of entering the place i experienced so much darkness and depression.  I still battle the desire to have a nice house, a car, and washing machine.  Everyone has their own difficulty in life that they must face almost everyday.  We need God’s grace and the strength to give up what we want and to give in to what God wants.  We could spend a whole lifetime learning what it means to lose our lives for Christ’s sake so we can find true life.   People tell me all the time, “I couldn’t do what you do.”  Yeah, me neither.

Light in Darkness

Strength in Weakness

Peace in Chaos

I AM

If anyone is interested in hearing about our experiences in Tonga we would love to get together and share our stories with you while we are in the U.S.

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email: calledtotonga@gmail.com

2 Years in Tonga

Photo credit goes to the talented Jonny Paquette

There is a cooler than expected breeze that greets me as I step off the Boeing 737 into my new tropical world.  The sky is over cast and the air is much cooler than Fiji where i left an hour ago.  Everything is so foreign and for the moment i feel very conscience of how small Tonga looks on a map.  I feel fear, uncertainty, and overwhelmed.  I'm sure there's something we forgot.  I am so far from home and yet the excitement of a new place and the adventure of following God's call here is over powering my natural reactions.  For the moment.

A visa misunderstanding/complication ties us up for bit but then we are free to grab the rest of our earthly possessions that now sit alone in an almost empty baggage claim.  We are greeted outside warmly by our now dear friend Saane who rushes us into a vehicle along with our belongings.  The sun is setting as we drive the 30 minutes to our new shared home.  As we gather to pray together that night with Kamu and Saane i feel the warmth of tears in my eyes, i don't cry much, so i hold them in.  I have 2 years ahead of me.  I have never been away from home so long, almost lived in one town my whole life.  What is God going to do with us here?

Fast forward.

Today marks our 2 years of surviving in Tonga.  I say surviving because at times, that's what it was.  Our family has learned so much in the past 2 years.  We've all changed.  I have been confronted with my shortcomings and weaknesses. I have come close to losing my faith and i probably would have if it wasn't for beauty of the milky way reminding me of my Creator.  It is breathtaking here and often brings me to tears.  Like i said, i don't cry much.  

Here's somethings i've learned along the way of my epic journey.

1. I have loved stuff and God.  This was a painful realization for me..  In the U.S. i liked to imagine that things didn't matter much to me.  It's not like I was rich or anything.  The verse where Jesus tells the rich guy to give away his possessions and come follow him could not apply to me then.  I always smile when pastors preach this and then quickly reassure the congregation that they don't actually have to do this.  America is filled with stuff!  My woman heart jumps at the sight of a red tagged clearance item at Target! Tonga took away the things i thought didn't have any hold on me and I quickly realized how i fooled i was.  Sad?  Go on a shopping spree.  Frustrated?  grab a frappacinno from Starbucks.  Feeling better now?  It must be my joy from Jesus!  Ugh.  I wonder how often i've attributed my happiness being from God when really it came from STUFF.

2. I can eat pasta with bugs in it.  It's true, i've done it. We all survived.  Just cook up the pasta, catch as many of them as you can and go for it!

3. Being bitter and angry is bad for me and everyone around me.  I have been very mean and nasty a lot of the time i've been in Tonga.  Complained a lot.  My poor husband.  and kids.  My negativity has been toxic.  I can feel the weight of it.  No, Tonga is not what i would have chosen.  I'm not into sand, humidity, bugs, unsanitary conditions, and living in a stick house without modern anything.  (ok, i have an extension cord for power).  And although i can appreciate the culture....it's not my thing.  But.  It doesn't help my family when i tell them this every single day.  I'm still working on this.  It's hard when it seems so enjoyable to sink into my pit of despair and wallow.

4. Stick bugs can spray your eyes and blind you.  I still can't figure out why this isn't in brochures on Tonga.  Because i would assume it's fine to hold a stick bug or look closely at it.  Who would know it has the power to blind the innocent with it's poisonous spewing?  I wouldn't know because know one makes this information public like in a brochure or tourism website.

5. Hard things aren't bad, It can be good even though we're not having fun.  We've experienced a lot of challenges.  Like washing laundry by hand, biking to get everything (lumber, groceries, water..), no running water, lack of privacy and ownership of anything because someone will take it or ask for it,  squatting by a bucket of water in the rain to wash dishes, sickness, building a house out of cement and sticks in 2 weeks, homeschooling, loneliness, and exhaustion.  What good has come of this?  We are widely known because of biking our family around and building a more Tongan style house.  These two greatest thorns in my flesh have been used to bring God glory.  We have many opportunities to speak with people who otherwise would blow us off.  And despite the fact that i hate having a plethora of eyes on us wherever we go,  God is using it hopefully to turn eyes toward him.  Do i like these hard things?  No, not at all.  But, if look hard enough and stop complaining i can see the good it is producing.

I'm sure there's a lot of other things that could be added to this list.  But this would be a long blog post and i'm ready to sleep.  Thanks to all of you who have remembered us these past two year in your thoughts, giving, and prayers.

Here are a few photos from our trip to Ha'apai where we went to help after the category 5 cyclone hit the island of Ha'apai.  Thank you everyone who helped send the kids and I to go with Chris.

  Island off of Ha'apai where Chris delivered tarps for roofs after Cyclone Ian hit in January.

Chris in the hospital while in Ha'apai after getting a kidney infection from kidney stones

delivering tarps from Samaritan's Purse Australia

getting a girl's dormitory covered

another jonny Paquette picture

Compelled

A few weeks ago we had warnings of  category 5 Cyclone Ian hitting Tonga.  So we did all the prepping and praying we could and then stayed up all night waiting for it to hit us.  Thankfully, it never did hit the biggest and most populated island of Tonga.  But it slammed Tonga in the Ha'apai group leveling 900 homes and damaging more.  Of the 8,000 residents, most are still without power.  The Cyclone tore up crops, coconuts, and damaged water tanks leaving most Tongans with polluted or no water.  Cows and horses dropped dead from the heat as all the shade is gone with the trees.  The decaying corpses lay every where as the Tongan's scrambled to preserve the meat.  Desperate people began looting Chinese shops and young children could be seen running off with food.


Our hearts broke when we heard the news and we began praying that we could go up and help.  Within a day our prayers were answered with a call from Samaritan's Purse, an organization that responds and brings relief to disaster areas.  They desperately wanted to assess the damage so they could send assistance with tarps.  They paid all expenses (plus more!) to send Chris and our friend Sam to take pictures of the damage and meet with the pastors and leaders in Ha'apai.  They then sent Chris up a second time with volunteers from Australia to meet with the Church of Tonga and make arrangements for sending tarps.  When the tarps arrive Chris will be assisting a pastor with distributing the tarps to those who need it most and helping put the tarps up.


Chris had made arrangements with a resort for us to stay in exchange for him helping with clean up and fixing up the place.  They called yesterday and said no, they've  changed their minds.  They would allow him, but not his family.  Sooo, we're kind of frustrated because our desire is for our family to go up with Chris and help him deliver the tarps from Samaritan's Purse and then stay for the next 3 months helping people rebuild their homes.  I'm looking now for a place to stay that has clean water, a roof, and a toilet! But as of right now our other option is to find a place to camp.  We will need assistance with a place to stay, and food and water as they are very limited and expensive now.  Most people in Ha'apai have no means or skills to rebuild and as Chris has had experience building our house out of local materials he will be very helpful.  Seeing the devastation it is almost impossible to NOT do something. How can we live this close and NOT help the Tongan people?   Which is why we will do whatever we can to get our family to Ha'apai regardless of whether we have a decent place to stay or not.  We have been called to these people and we can't turn away when they need it most.

If you want to help us help them please donate on our paypal account.  We do not have an exact amount as we're still trying to find a place ( remember this is Tonga, things move a bit slower)  but our needs will be for three months (food, water, roof) and for the ferry which would be around $300 US round trip.

Seeing

Have you ever put on 3D glasses and looked around you?  After a while it kind of gives you a headache if you're not watching a 3D movie (it gives me a headache even then.)  Maybe even a little nauseous.

But then you take them off and your eyes thank you.
Ah, so much better.

It's no secret i have had a bit of a struggle here in Tonga-check out my last post.  So i decided to take off my glasses for a bit.  Look around and see what it looks like without headache inducing glasses.

This is what i see:

I see a funky little house constantly flowing with people and kids from morning till late at night.
I see hours spent listening to heavy hearts.
I see giving and taking; taking and giving
I see a smile from a man taking a fresh water shower for the first time in years and hear a quiet "thanks" for a home cooked meal.
I see little eyes and noses peeking in through the holes in the screens.
I see bushmen working hard in the fields.
I see my kids running with Tongan kids through dirt floor houses.
I see my husband giving every last drop of energy to loving others.
I see kindness, patience, compassion, sharing, and long suffering.
I see community.
I see the gospel of Jesus lived.

Of course at any moment those glasses come back on and it becomes overwhelming.  I see the bugs, the kids teasing, the lack of privacy.  Feel exhausted from hours spent,  weighed down by the burdens and heart ache of so many  people.


But those moments when you can see the beauty in the chaos and the joy in hardships it makes it worth it.  This is not for nothing.  People matter.  Don't give up.

A big THANK YOU to all the people who came together to buy us our tickets home to visit our families.  We feel your love from miles away. Keep on giving and sharing to those around you.

My human condition

I'm not going to sugarcoat this.

This is not for the people who are merely curious on life in the South Pacific, or interested in seeing Americans roughing it in Tonga.
Check my other posts out...they are more informative in that area.  This one is a bit more emotionally driven.

This is ME is pouring out my difficulties and struggles to the genuine few who have asked through the year and a half how we're doing, how i'm doing and have offered up your prayers, thoughts, and financial support to our family.

ahhhhh! let me just get this off my chest!  I don't like for people to see me this way.  I don't think people like the idea of a fairly emotionless, christian, missionary girl being an emotional wreck.  I know i'm not comfortable letting this all out.  I'd prefer to keep my emotions all tucked away nicely and neatly and throw on a brave, awkward smile.

You see, i didn't know what to expect when we packed up and moved out here with $2,000 US and zero financial support at the time.  It was exciting and courageous feeling at first.  I thought I was a stronger person.  I'm married to a man with outstanding faith.  He trusts in GOD with all his heart, soul, and strength. He inspires me.  My mistake was and is to hope this will carry me.  This isn't about my husband dragging me into hardships.  I went willingly.  This is about what these hardships revealed in me.

I found i'm weak, exhausted, and emotionally spent.

The first few months were fine.  The newness of it all was fresh and kept me motivated.  Within about 6 months i moved into a state of bitterness, anger, and depression.  But we made do, Chris spent that first year sharing the gospel with everyone.  And we have seen the fruit of living this unique lifestyle we have been called to.

But like i said.  I found how weak and wobbly my faith is.  My bitterness has been damaging to our family.  I'm seeing the toll it is putting on everyone.  Not to say their hasn't been great moments of joy, but theirs also been anger towards God and tears during worship songs.

Currently, I've moved past the bitterness, coldness, anger stage and am now an emotional, teary-eyed, physically exhausted ,disaster of a missionary.  The stress has started to effect me psychically and everyone has been picking up the slack with chores and clean up because I've become almost incapable of handling daily chores and sibling feuds. My husband takes these burdens on him and they weigh on him.  I hate to see him juggling between doing what God has told him to do and caring for the emotional and spiritual well-being of his wife.  But he does and he's doing a great job.  I find it hard to believe you could find a man more committed to his GOD and his wife and kids.

But i need to unload it somewhere else.  So here it is.
I need a break!  I'm extremely human right now.  Living for this past year and a half on a hundred dollars hear and there, the strain of living with little encouragement, seeing my husband take so much undeserved crap from other people,  the difficulty of the most basic things in life, being so alone, being hungry, no running water, not having access to good clean water, living in unsanitary conditions, now living in an unfinished house with holes and the company of massive spiders, 9 inch centipedes, 3 inch cockroaches, and a floor swarming with ants, dealing with a son who is extremely hard to discipline, hyper, intense and trying to home school 3 unmotivated kids with some days no paper or pencils, feeling trapped on a tiny island.  Our goal is to reach 2 years before we come back and visit,  which would be the beginning of May.  I still feel that is the right timing.  But there is no plane ticket back.  It is hard to feel relieved that our two year mark is not to far away, when there is no way back.  Every day i wake up with a pit in my stomach, a headache, nausea, sadness, and fight back constant tears.  Please pray for me. I need this break. I'm hanging on by a thread.  I know I love God and theoretically know He will do something good in me from this.  Because somehow God is using us still despite me. I had a dream i returned April 26, so i looked up the plane tickets around that date and they actually are a good deal.  Around $4,200 for our family.  I hate the part about the money.  I'm not telling you my sob story so now you feel bad and give me money.  There are plenty of better sob stories out there.  I'm saying this so the people who love us and what to know what's going on can get a glimpse and pray for us.
  Lamentations 3:1-33

We built a house

          My daughter Ariel motivated me to write when she wrote a post on here.  If you get a chance check out her thoughts on "travel with ariel".    We've moved since my last post.  Within about two weeks Chris and I built our house.  Not a finished product.  But finished enough to get visitors stopping to come in and take pictures.  I'm starting to notice this becoming a habit.  With our bikes first and now this.  I don't see being "normal" in our future.

Here's how we did it.  

Chris built the frame out of small local trees and the roof from bamboo.   For the walls we layered chicken wire and then mixed 3 parts cement to 1 part sand.  In my mind this seemed simple.  Just finding the right sand here took several trips (they call it dust, how was i supposed to know?). Water had to be brought about 250 ft. from a well in buckets.  Then I got the ratio wrong at first so chris had to mix and mix more and more cement and water than humanly possible.  Meanwhile there's about 12 kids grabbing our tools and cement while we're working.  And the cement didn't adhere as well it did in the pictures I saw online.  But we managed to perfect it a bit while getting our hands eaten and torn raw from the cement.  Then when it got dark we biked 2-3 miles home and started again in the morning.  I'm pretty sure i lost a few pounds in this process and Chris and I had more fights in the 2 weeks than our 10 years of marriage! 

 Our first night sleeping in our abode was interesting.  Only half the walls were built and the rest was either open or covered loosely with a thin plastic.  It was sooo windy those first few nights and the plastic roof and walls kept flapping in the wind, I kept waiting for the roof to lift off in the middle of the night!  We definitely had a good breeze going through.  At the time i found none of this humorous...

first night

My brother Mike arrived right after this and decided to stay until December.  It's been an adjustment for him but we are encouraged to have him here and have someone who understands us.  Part of the walls are still not finished but much more secured than our first night here.  During the cool season here it can get chilly at night and the moist cold air goes right through to your bones.  So we bundle up the best we can with blankets, sweatshirts, socks.. Normal chores require a lot of work.  Water has to be brought from the well for dishes, flushing the toilet, showering, and laundry when our rainwater runs out.  Plus, the rainwater is brown because of the palm leaves on the roof and is starting to smell funny so i prefer the well water.  Laundry means throwing clothes in a bucket and stomping on them and then squeezing and rinsing.  I do my fair share of complaining...haven't got that part down yet.

Chris has been able to put together some beds and bunk beds for our neighbors in the back yard which has been an encouragement for him.  They have been sleeping right on the ground for who knows how long and it make us happy to see them happier.  The funny thing about our house and homemade furniture is how happy it makes the Tongans.  They all say it reminds them of how it was growing up and they can't believe a couple of palangi's are living with so few comforts.  God has been using this for the Tongans to respect us and connect with us better.  I do not enjoy this way of living, but it won't be forever.  And right now Chris is tiling our bathroom floor, one more step towards it feeling a bit more sanitary and nicer.

We hope to visit the U.S. in 2014, until then we are working on finding and applying for grants to start bringing in skateboards and building a transportable skate park to reach the kids here.  Everything takes time and patience.  Especially here, nothing is done fast.  So we take one slow slug step at a time.  A few back.